I’ve been extra stressed this week.
Extra stress that means that I haven’t been able to see clearly regarding the piece on the Australian TV industry I was planning on sending out today. Extra stress that means I am sending this out late and have been avoiding writing all week. Extra stress that means I cried at work and have been moving around at a reduced capacity. Like a zombie.
The stress is not a surprise. I have been trying to manage it without really doing much about it. I have been going to work by the time that I am ‘supposed to’ and leaving as soon as I am ‘allowed’. My main priority has been sneaking in clips of my K-Drama whenever possible; when I am eating breakfast, on the treadmill, and as soon as I get home from work. Like a kid rushing to watch their favourite cartoon. Obviously, this is reminiscent of the time when you had to be home to watch something at a certain time. Now, your media waits for you. Except in this case, I won’t wait. I haven’t even been enjoying the viewing. I’ve been fast forwarding clips, playing on my phone (not a good idea when dealing with subtitles) and just trying to get through it.
Give me the happy ending please.
I have been reading because I feel like I should. Jamming something in that I usually love, because I feel like it will make me feel better. Reading books that are heralded as ‘important’. It hasn’t been working. I’ve also been journaling, hoping that will act as a raft of sorts. This hasn’t worked either. Ditto putting on particularly high energy music to trick myself into being high energy. Maybe if Megan Thee Stallion tells me something enough, I will start to believe her.
I am aware that my ‘tense’ is all over the place in this piece.
I am feeling all over the place.
Like you do when things don’t feel like they’re working I’ve been turning to consumerism. I thought a new phone case might help. For no other reason then I might feel refreshed and excited about my phone as opposed to it being a source of dread. I couldn’t find a new phone case. And, quite maturely, I realised that wasn’t going to fix what I thought it might. Being in Apple felt good. I’ve mentioned before, I am a capitalist.
I know that I am in that phase of filling myself; buying too many things, drinking too many hot chocolates, hoarding books I’m not quite ready to read. It’s like stuffing a goose for foie gras. Just as cruel. And no promise of pate (I don’t condone the creation/or eating of foie gras so I am struggling to say ‘delicious’).
Last night I asked my younger sister how one empties their head. Neither of us knew the answer.
Today I thought I would buy copious amounts of post-its and grid notebooks from Daiso. That didn’t help. Although I did get some cute stickers to put on student work.
When I originally thought about writing this article, I was frustrated. Frustrated with how work takes up my time in comparison to what I can give this newsletter. Frustrated by my own shortcomings. Frustrated that I exercise and take vitamins and don’t drink and still feel like shit. Frustrated by the fact I feel like I know better but am not doing better.
Better than what? I’m not sure.
I also thought of the panoply articles about the routines of ‘creatives’, organisation checklists and time-management videos I’ve read and watched in my life. At times, these have provided an anchor and at others, they’ve simply highlighted the fact that everybody’s life looks different. A comforting but somewhat deflating fact.
I’d like the answer please.
To remedy this, I have been letting the voices of Alex Turner and Taylor Swift wash over me. I gave myself permission to stop reading Don Quixote, even if it is the novel that set the path for all novels, I don’t understand it at all. I’ve been reading different routines in different places to simply enjoy the fact they don’t look the same.
It’s not a makeover montage you see in a movie, but it’s something.