Glutton(y) For Punishment
I have completely gorged this past weekend. And I don’t mean in the sense of Hot Cross Buns and chocolate, although they have featured heavily as well. I mean in the sense of YouTube and TV I have consumed. To the point where I feel full and sick.
I think this feeling is exacerbated by the fact I am on term holidays and am generally feeling unable to do much but constantly aware there are things I feel I need to do relating to work and admin and putting those damn clothes up on eBay. This uncomfortable lull is not unfamiliar to me. I experience it every holiday. As much as I need a break, I feel completely unable to give in to it. It’s as if the guilt of not working means I will exist in some over socialised, domestic duty limbo which I won’t let myself just be.
Even writing this I have got Dean Martin blasting in my ears. Even though I know silence would make me feel far less claustrophobic.
This is a pattern I am familiar with. It happens every school break or some particularly trying and exhausting time. I become such a slob in my eating habits and media consumption I push myself to the limit before clearing it all away, vow off television for several days (though I doubt I will last several hours), stop eating rubbish and make a list of the work I need to do before I go back to work.
I have vivid memories of 15 years (I am completely guessing) or so ago when I was in a similar floundering state, and nothing seemed to remedy it. I bought a huge number of snacks and borrowed Sex and The City and Gossip Girl on DVD to watch in bed, on my laptop. I remember 18 hours or so of feeling crumbs in my bed and watching two shows I don’t even like. The whole premise of this set up was to indeed relax but I felt worse. So bad that I won’t watch either show again. I don’t even think I’d watched them before. I found both shows quite salacious and stressful. I am not sure why I thought they would provide me comfort. And this was before the idea of ‘self-care’ had permeated our vocab. The term glutton(y) for punishment comes to mind.
At the time of writing, the past two days have seen me watch countless YouTube videos which include other people getting dressed and being productive. Of which I have done neither. I also fast-forwarded through Season 2 of Bridgerton. A show I found insanely boring. I just wanted the scenes featuring Kate and Anthony, and there weren’t enough. In between this manic watching, I took time to watch The Salisbury Poisonings with my boyfriend, a show about a deadly nerve agent entering a small English town. Bright and breezy.
I did however watch, Everything Everywhere All at Once, one of the best films I have ever seen in my entire life. It’s hard to say that sentence without seeming completely hyperbolic but I stand by it. I’m also glad I went; I was in such a Bridgerton haze I nearly didn’t go. I’d like to thank Michelle Yeoh for getting me out of the house.
I am avoiding emails, I’ve worn nothing but tracksuit pants or pyjamas since term ended a week ago and I am only reading romcoms. It’s the equivalent of living off cereal and donuts and wondering why I have a headache and no energy. And to be honest, my diet isn’t too far off this.
Another element is that majority of my consumption has been filled with texting other people about what I am watching. Whilst (barely) watching Bridgerton, I text my sister to ask the fate of many of the characters. I am annoying myself even as I retell this!
I must be honest, I wanted to somehow tie this retelling to a media theory or perspective, to make sense of this past 24 hours. And whilst there are some which could be used as a lens to explore, the desire to gorge myself in this way is the sign of a very tired person with a foggy brain. One who is choosing to live in the fantasy land provided by this media and will re-emerge once they are ready.